dehliab.

summer

i don’t want this summer to be filled struggling between healthy goals and lazy bad habits.

when was the last time i drew? the last time i’ve written a poem? a story? 

i want to write a book.

i want to continue to lose weight.

i want to have a glorious and inexpensive unweddinglike wedding.

i want to lay in the sand, a beer in my hand.

i want to hike up a god damn mountain.

i want to run.

i want to play mario.

i want to learn something new.

i want to pay my bills on time.

i want to kiss and make out.

i want to wake up early.

i am completely okay with the fact that exercise makes me so high afterwards.

listening to techno/house/dubstep during my workouts and after definitely helps.

definitely.

texas

i feel like im not myself at all.

like i woke up and im living another life.

watching the world below me, flying thousands of miles in the air, everything’s so god damn small and meaningless. just a few seconds and we’re up, up, up, far away from everything, the hum of the plane shutting every other noise out. infinite. midnight flight to houston, the lights like a reflection of the stars in the god damn sky and i can’t even tell the difference. is there a difference?

out on a boat, ocean surrounding us, the grey cityscape in the far background, islands on either side. sparkling blue water. not a god damn cloud in the sky.

so beautiful i could fuckin cry.

in my head, all i could think about were my fears. anxiety. drama. tryin to force them out, all i could look at was the sky. the sun beating down on my face, burning my arms. felt so damn good, to feel that pain.

walking on the pier at the beach, staring at the view. silencing the thoughts.

sitting on the balcony to watch the texas sunset, trying not to think about anything else.

with my two favorite people ever, the only people i really need ever.

may the wind always be at your back,
and the sun upon your face…

sometimes i just get in these moods

where i don’t want to do anything

anything at all

i literally shut myself from 

all my responsibilities of living

and hide 

under my blanket

feeling numb and so confused

i just feel like for today at least

living is too much of an effort

i made an appointment to see a counselor 

next week

it was probably one of the hardest things i had to do

after thinking about going for over a year now

i decided that

i am worth it

i can have happiness

i just need help 

to get there.